The Star Wars Couple
by Leonine One 252
Summary: Biggs and Wedge seemed to have a happy ending in the game, sort of, but what happened to them after? Read to find out! And please review
1. Bad Idea

Hello and greetings! (To those who know me) I haven't written anything for a long while so probably no one remembers me. Anywho, this story is about Biggs and Wedge, two of my favorite characters in FFVIII (along with Griever and Edea), and what happened to them after the game. So enjoy. Disclaimer: I don't own any of the FFVIII characters or other stuff, which all belong to Square.

**The Star Wars Couple**

_Chapter 1: Bad Idea_

It was a beautiful night in Deling City, Galbadia. Dogs were barking, car horns were honking, thieves were breaking into apartments, and women were screaming in back alleys (you know, the typical horror movie "AAAAAH!" scream). A man in a blue soldier's uniform sat in the little corner of his tiny apartment that was the least cobweb-infested. He was wondering, "How the heck did I get into this mess? It was those Balamb Garden jerks' fault! If it weren't for them I'd still be in the army, being yelled at by some pig-faced officer. I wouldn't be happy, but at least I'd still have my job."

Suddenly, the door slammed open, accompanied by an angry "Hey! Quiet up there!" from the floor below. "Hey Wedge! I got us a job!" said the man, who was wearing a red officer's uniform. (In case you're wondering, they're still in their uniforms because they don't have/can't afford other clothes).

"Is it like the last…thirteen jobs we had?" asked Wedge, pausing to count.

"Why? What was wrong with our jobs?" said Biggs.

"Hello! We were 'escorts'!" said Wedge, the asterisks falling neatly into place. "The only more humiliating thing than that was the fact that the only woman who would take us was that fat lady with the freaky scar. And need I remind you that she turned out to be the serial murderess who killed all her husband's ex-girlfriends!"

"Well, so what? That was only one job."

"The one before that: working in a slaughterhouse. And before: research targets for new magic spells. Circus freaks, punching bags, sewer cleaners! I can't take it anymore!"

"I love you," pleaded Biggs, giving Wedge an adorable look.

"Sigh… So what's the job?"

"Acting!"

"Acting?"

"Acting! We play some villains who've taken the hero's friend's girlfriend to the Island Closest to Hell. They promised us 2500 gil each!" And so, Biggs and Wedge followed the crew to the Island Closest to Hell. Most of the days passed without much ceremony. The movie involved some unheard of actors who couldn't act, cardboard props, and a crabby, effeminate director who kept trying to stare at Biggs's behind. Fortunately, they weren't bothered much by the monsters inhabiting the island, who found them of no interest. "Hahaha! You'll never defeat me, you adolescent pretty boy! I have your Sword of Justice and your Shield of Light, the source of all your powers! Mwahahahaha!" droned Biggs.

"Cut! No no NO! Mr. Biggs, you're doing it all wrong! Change your pose so it's more dramatic! Try a different angle! Turn more towards the left! There, much better," shouted the director, who now had a nice, clear view of Biggs's caboose. He stared.

"Wedge, he's doing it again!" whined Biggs, shooting his friend a pleading glance.

"Mister director guy, I want to talk to you about the scene with the ruby dragon," sighed Wedge half-heartedly. Half an hour later, the cast was practicing the ruby dragon scene.

"Bring in the dragon!" yelled the director. A very real-looking ruby dragon crawled onto the set.

"Wow! That's pretty good! I thought you said this was a low budget movie," said Biggs.

"Um, sir. That's a real dragon," said Wedge, who was slowly edging away.

"Don't be ridiculous. Look, you can see how the joints are obviously fa-" The ruby dragon roared and almost incinerated the leading actress. "Um… Okay, time to run now." The panicking cast and crew stampeded to their vessel and were about to take off when the dragon blocked Biggs and Wedge's path.

"Sorry, gotta run! Shame to lose such a fine-looking man, Mr. Biggs. Mr. Wedge, I think you have a nice ass, too," shouted the director as the vessel sped away towards the horizon.

"HEY! You can't leave us here! Come back! COME BACK!" screamed Wedge. Beside him, Biggs was shaking like a Playstation controller during Ifrit's summon animation.

"Well, this is it Wedge. It's been great knowing you. Let's fight to the end like true soldiers," said Biggs.

"Sir, we're not soldiers anymore," replied Wedge.

"Shut up. Take this, you overgrown iguana! Firaga!"

"Sir, no!"

The spell, naturally, had no effect on the dragon. It merely seemed to make it angry.

At the bottom of an oceanside cliff, we see an unconscious Biggs and Wedge fly over and into the water.

o--o

The End. Just kidding! I don't write angst/tragedy. So I hope you like the first chapter so far, cause I'm gonna write more. And I realize the ruby dragon thing was stolen from what happened to Laguna, but it was just so funny I wondered what it would be like with Biggs and Wedge! And the part where they keep saying "acting" sounded like the intro to some creepy Mary Poppins song. Anyway review and read and review again!


	2. Ending Sequence

Well, hello again. I have a theory that nothing good can come from words that end in "arian": Unitarian, vegetarian, veterinarian, etc. Anyway, to the Disclaimermobile!

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, places, etc. from FFVIII. They belong to Square, blah, blah, blah. Jeez, how selfish could they be?

o--o

_Chapter 2: Ending Sequence_

Wedge slowly awoke. He didn't want to be conscious. He ached all over, he was in an uncomfortable position, and wherever he was, the place smelled like Biggs's cooking. "Wedge! You're awake!" said a booming voice, which caused the dull, pounding ache in Wedge's brain to become a sharp, stabbing pain.

Wedge managed to pry his eyes open. His first words were: "Know what, sir? That job wasn't as bad as the time we had to shootan adult film with each other."

Biggs, with an enormous grin on his face, embraced his friend in an ironclad bear hug. "I'm so glad you're awake! For a while I thought you were dead! IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou! Don't ever go unconscious on me again!" Wedge, meanwhile, was gasping in pain and suffocation.

"Argh… How long was I out?" croaked Wedge.

"Two and three-fifths of a day," replied Biggs, finally letting go.

"Oh… Where are we?"

"An abandoned house in Winhill. I carried you here all the way from that beach. You have no idea how sore I was. You owe me one. You look hungry. Want some chocobo eggs?" Biggs stuck a frying pan full of disgusting green globs under Wedge's nose. Wedge recoiled.

"No offense sir, but do you have a grudge against me?"

"For the last time, there's nothing wrong with my cooking!" In the end, they decided to dump the eggs and Wedge had to cook, as usual. For a few days, they stayed in Winhill to catch their breath and decide what to do next. Then, one Saturday morning, the pair was woken up by a crowd of people at the town's entrance.

"What's going on? Who's the dude with the girly-looking hair?" asked Biggs to no one in particular as he came out the door.

"That dude with the girly-looking hair is President Laguna of Esthar. He's here to visit his wife's grave," said a voice from behind.

"Whoa! Don't… Don't sneak up on people like that!" shouted Biggs. Wedge looked at the man. He was skinny and dark skinned, and was accompanied by a tall, heavyset man with a scar across the left side of his face. "Esthar, huh? You know, your soldiers gave us a lot of trouble when we were trying to leave," said Wedge.

"Same here. It's how Ward lost his voice," replied the skinny man, indicating the fat one. Biggs and Wedge looked at the man (Kiros, in case you haven't figured that out by now) strangely, not quite comprehending what he meant.

The two ex-Galbadian soldiers observed events for a while. Suddenly the town was filled by a whirring noise and was covered in an immense shadow. They looked up just in time to see the arrival of Balamb Garden and the SeeDs. Apparently one of the SeeDs was related to the president in some way. "Wedge, this is perfect! We can sneak onto the Garden and…" started Biggs.

"Hold on, sir. I mean no disrespect but those kids already kicked our butts twice and we don't even know where they're going after this," said Wedge.

"Who cares! We don't know where _we're_ going anyways. And that place is huge. We could hide anywhere we wanted!"

"I still think it's a dumb idea…"

"Shut up, you little wimp!" shouted Biggs, smacking Wedge on the back of his head.

"And I was wondering why you don't hit me anymore…"

Biggs raised an eyebrow. "Man, that is so perverted."

"_You're_ the pervert."

"Look, let's just sneak on and no one will notice."

"That place is huge! What if we get lost?"

"We'll find our way! Eventually…"

"Well… I guess I have no choice then."

"Yes!"

The Garden departed, full of majesty, leaving nothing more than the awe of the townspeople, a quickly fading echo on the breeze, and two very downcast men. "Wedge."

"Yes, sir?"

"Never before in my whole, _entire_ life have I hated you more."

"Having no other options, the two friends (and in certain other fanfics, lovers) started walking. For weeks they traveled. They trekked through the grassy hills surrounding Winhill, crossed the river dividing North and South Galbadia, across the searing Kashkabald desert, and onto the plains near Deling City.

o—o

Yay! Finished with chapter two! Review (please)! Anyway, if someone wants to write a fic about the time Biggs and Wedge had to shoot p-rn with each other, just for fun, they can. It would certainly be hilarious. Bye!


	3. New Direction

Ehh…Sorry for not updating for two months. I have no excuse.

Disclaimer: I don't own Biggs and Wedge (unfortunately) or anything in FFVIII. Square does.

_Chapter Three: New Direction_

"Well, after two months, we're finally back where we started," mumbled Wedge.

"Yup…"

They stared at the city before them, dread and a certain disappointment slowly nagging at the back of their heads. "Sir… Is it just me, or does this city look less appealing every time we look at it?"

"How could you say that about the beautiful capital of our great nation! It's as appealing as… as anything appealing!" said Biggs. He paused in defeat. "…You're right, this place sucks."

Wedge sighed. "So I guess it's back to horrible jobs for below minimum wage again…"

"…No. No! I don't want to do this anymore! Let's go somewhere else! Let's be _bold_ and _daring_! Let's go somewhere where we'll actually be _happy_!"

Wedge looked at his former commanding officer in surprise. Biggs's weakness of hotheaded incompetence was also his greatest strength. You could depend on the man to take charge when he needed to. Wedge stared at Biggs mournfully. "Where do we go? Every nation in the world hates Galbadia. We even managed to piss off Fisherman's Horizon. And I'm not walking all the way back to Winhill."

"What about Balamb?"

"We put them under siege for a week."

"Dollet?"

"Siege."

"Timber?"

"Siege."

"FH?"

"Didn't you hear me, sir? Siege!"

"Man, we _are_ sons of bitches." He scratched his head. "Well we have to go _somewhere_."

"How 'bout Centra?" muttered Wedge sarcastically.

"Hey! Good idea! _No one_ hates us there."

"I was being sarcastic! No one _lives_ in Centra!"

"Darn… Well _now_ what do we do?"

"Well, I suppose we could…lie," suggested Wedge.

"You mean… We're not soldiers but Galbadian refugees?"

"Yeah. All we have to do is get some new clothes and hop on a train somewhere."

"How are we supposed to afford a train ride? We're broke remember?" asked Biggs.

"Don't worry, sir. I'll get us the money," replied Wedge as he walked towards the city, unusually confident. Biggs opened his mouth to say something when he realized he was being left behind by Wedge. Feeling lost and slightly abandoned, he ran after him. "Hey! Hold on! I thought _I_ was the one who made all the decisions!"

o—o

It was not a good day for Jordan Traxler. Most of his actors had quit, he was almost bankrupt, and now two very familiar faces were approaching him. "Hey! You're that idiot director who left us to die on that hellhole of an island! I've been wanting to get you for that!" shouted the taller man. As he advanced the shorter man stuck out his arm, knocking the wind out of his friend when he walked into it. "Mr. Traxler?" said the shorter man, whom Jordan recalled as Wedge. "We're here to claim our wages."

"What? Don't be ridiculous. You guys didn't do anything!" said the former director.

"You promised us 2500 gil each. Under Galbadian law, such a verbal agreement is legally binding," said Wedge, his calm steely gaze unnerving him. He recovered. "Maybe so, but I agreed to pay you that amount only if you got the job done, which you didn't." Jordan Traxler smiled, impressed by his own cunning intelligence.

"Very well, then, Mr. Traxler. I seem to recall you spying on Biggs as he was changing in the changing room," said Wedge.

"He _what_!" Biggs shouted.

"I doubt you could afford to go through with a sexual harassment charge in your current condition."

"Y-you can't prove anything!" stammered the poor cornered man.

"On the contrary, Mr. Traxler, I've investigated a few of your records and I see that you've been guilty of such assault and fraud on more than one occasion. In that case, I suppose another charge couldn't hurt _that_ much, hmm?" countered Wedge with a wicked smile.

o—o

Biggs and Wedge walked away from their former employer 5000 gil richer. "Dang, Wedge! I've never even heard of you having a dark side before. I didn't know you could be such an evil bastard!" said Biggs, practically fawning over his friend.

"How do you think I kept us from getting a dishonorable discharge?" replied Wedge, his previously evil smirk now replaced with an innocent smile. "So where do we go now?" he asked.

"Well, Dollet seemed nice. Remember that bar we went to before we started working on the communications tower?" said Biggs.

"Yeah…Are you sure we were supposed to slack off for two hours in there?"

"We weren't slacking off. We were there to gather intelligence and to make sure there weren't enemy forces hiding there," replied Biggs with a grin, "Anyway, when we get there, we're not Biggs and Wedge anymore, got it? I'm Cliff Andersen and you're Garrett Baxter."

As the two made their way towards the train station, they were awarded one last, magnificent view of the city. "So long, hellhole! I hope you get crushed by meteors!" shouted Biggs. Passers-by regarded them with a look usually reserved for a mentally disturbed monkey on tranquilizer darts. Wedge resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands. "I'm…not with him," he said to a nearby couple.

As soon as they got on the train, Biggs took advantage of its free services. They had paid 3000 gil for the ride, after all. About one third of the way to their destination, the waitress was already very irritated at the two. "Sir, this is the fifth time you've ordered a drink! Don't you think you've had enough!" she said.

"Hey, if you ask me, 3000 gil for a train ride is a rip off. I'm just getting my money's worth," replied Biggs, newly christened Cliff.

"I'm really sorry about this," said Wedge, now Garrett. The waitress sighed in exasperation and walked off, glaring machetes at anyone who would dare address her next.

Ten minutes before their arrival Cliff announced that he was going to the bathroom. Within forty seconds, a man walked in from the next car and stood right outside the bathroom door. He had a gun. "Alright! Nobody move and nobody gets hurt!" he shouted. The passengers sat frozen still. Suddenly, the man heard a toilet flush. "What the-" he started.

Cliff slammed the door open, right into the man's face, knocking him out. "Ahh! Much better. Huh? Oops. Sorry man, I didn't see you there," he said

o—o

"Are you sure about this, sir? It seems pretty risky to me," said Garrett.

"Don't worry, Gary! I heard the fishing's great here. We'll be able to pay off the boat in no time with money left over," said Cliff. And so, they were now fishermen, for a while at least.

o—o

Alright! Chapter three done! Hope you like this better than the last one. Anyway, review! And Lucrecia LeVrai reviewed me again! Thanks, Lucrecia! Yay, I have a fan!


	4. Unfortunate

If you sell your soul to me, I will write you good reviews. Mwahahahahahaha…

Disclaimer: I don't own Biggs and Wedge or FFVIII or anything in it. They belong to Square. Actually… I _do_ own the waitress and the train robber, don't I? MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_Chapter Four: Unfortunate_

Life was good. Cliff and Garrett, formerly Biggs and Wedge, had just made their last payment for the fishing boat, and were now making money solely for themselves. No one recognized them as one of the Galbadian forces that invaded the city. Unfortunately, though, life was also slightly unpredictable with Cliff. Just the other day, the two comrades had an encounter with a rather disgruntled woman. "Hey! Watch where you're going, you boneheads!" she shouted.

"Bonehead! Let me tell you something, _miss_. The only human beings I take insults from are my parents! And you're definitely not them. For one thing, you're too ugly to procreate!" shouted Cliff. Automatically, Garrett braced himself for something very unpleasant.

"You SOB! If your mom was pretty, I definitely don't see any resemblance. I bet I could get more action than her!" shouted the woman. By now, a small crowd had gathered around them. Garrett feigned a sneeze. "-sneeze- bitch!"

"What did you call me!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I must be allergic to bitches."

At that comment, the woman gritted her teeth. Her eyebrows raised in fury and her eyes blazed with rage. Her nostrils flared like a bull ready to charge. Garrett thought she looked a little like a crossover between a circus and a horror movie. The woman punched Cliff right in the face, hard. And with that, she was avenged. She began to walk away. From the ground, Cliff shouted at her. "You crazy bitch! You punch like a man!" The woman stopped in her tracks. She turned around with a look that would have struck fear in Sammael himself, and started to walk, very quickly, at them. With newfound strength born of terror, Garrett picked up his friend and ran far, far away. "Sorry, I just remembered that we have an appointment somewhere! Gotta go, bye!"

It turns out that the woman was wearing a ring when she punched him. Cliff had trouble shaving for the next few days.

o—o

Cliff was feeling much better today. His wound from the woman had finally healed, and it was Friday. He had just gotten off the fishing boat, and Wedge was off selling their catch for the day to the shops around the area. When they are finally finished today, he could go home and relax. Suddenly, he heard a high pitched squeal. "Wow! This place looks so much cooler than before!" said a very cheerful girl with a yellow dress and gravity-defying hair. She noticed him looking at her and she bounced towards him like a rubber ball made of sugar. "Hey! You look kinda familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before? You're really cute," she said.

Cliff broke out in cold sweat. _Crap! It's that girl from Garden!_ He thought. "Run, Wedge! We've been found out!" shouted Cliff before he belly-flopped in the ocean.

Before she could react, another man ran past her and also jumped, butt first, into the water. "I'm coming, sir!" shouted Garrett. He made a big splash.

_Who were those people?_ Pondered Selphie before she wandered off somewhere else.

o—o

Biggs and Wedge were now on the way to Timber. "Oh, well. At least we're back to being Biggs and Wedge again," said Wedge. When they got on the train, Biggs immediately started ordering drinks again. "Hey, it's you again!" said Biggs to the waitress. As soon as she saw him, she walked away and quit her job. Nothing was worth having to deal with hooligans like that.

"What's her problem?" wondered Biggs, "Anyway, I guess since we're going to Timber, we're going to have to start over again. Oh, well, at least we still have some money." Biggs stretched out comfortably on his seat and awaited their arrival. Wedge sighed. "Know what, sir? Sometimes I feel like we're going to die as wanderers, or as victims of murder, or get crushed by something. Then again, I can't really tell when I'm following you around," he said. Biggs grinned sheepishly at his friend.

Timber was not what they had expected. They had always thought of it as a rebellious region full of crime and turmoil. Instead, they arrived at a peaceful, quiet little city of a grayish green color. It seemed like you could lie down on the cobbled streets and not get run over. "Oh, hey! There's a souvenir shop! Cool! Hey, Wedge, look at this!" said Biggs excitedly.

"Sir, those places are just scams to swindle the money of dumb tourists," said Wedge.

Biggs wasn't listening. He was enthralled like Irvine at a gun show with supermodels as saleswomen. Then a particular item caught his eye. "Hey! What's this?" he asked. It was a silvery gray feather, with a strange quality about it. "Don't know," said the old woman, "it was found after the big earthquake about a year ago."

"How much do you want for it?" asked Biggs.

"1000 gil."

"Done."

"Sir!" said Wedge.

"Aw, lighten up, Wedge. It's cool. See how cool it looks in my hair!" As soon as he touched it, he felt a rush of…something and a brief image of what looked like…a lion? "Whoa, head rush." Dismissing it as the beer he had on the train, Biggs proceeded to pick it up and stick it on his head, looking like a Kuja wannabe.

"No offense, sir, but you look like a dork. And you'd better hope that thing has a GF in it, or you just got seriously ripped off."

Biggs slapped him from behind the head. "Ow!"

"Don't talk to your ex-superior officer like that! If we were still in the army, I would have docked your pay."

"I thought we weren't doing that superior officer thing anymore…" mumbled Wedge sullenly. Biggs started to walk away. Seeing as he had no other choice, Wedge followed. They spent the day looking for a job, and ended up as guards at the town entrance.

"Don't worry, Wedge. This is just a temporary job. After this, we'll never have to wear uniforms again," said Biggs.

"Somehow I doubt that."

For three weeks they spent their days getting paid for standing and doing nothing, which, considering what they've had to do before, wasn't such a bad thing. With their luck, however, tranquility never lasts. Timber had a tourist shop, which meant there had to be a tourist somewhere. "Excuse me," said a young man, who looked to be about seventeen, and very rich. Wedge looked around. "Yes?" he said.

"Are you guards for the town entrance?"

"Yes, how may we help you?"

"Well, I've only been here for a day, but this city is so fascinating. Could you perhaps tell me about its history?"

"I don't know anything about it," said Wedge.

"Well surely you know _something_. Nobody's _that_ clueless."

"Sorry, no. We just moved here."

"Oh, come now. Tell me."

"He told you he doesn't know anything!" said Biggs, who just wanted to be left alone. Having the townspeople stare at him was embarrassing enough. Now he had to deal with this loser.

"I see. Do _you_ know anything?"

"No."

"Not even a little bit?"

"No."

"You're lying."

"Look, what do you want? A friggin' fairy tale? Fine! Timber was a happy little city-state for hundreds of years. Then Galbadia came and kicked its ass. And nobody lived happily ever after. The end," said Biggs impatiently, scowling.

The young man huffed in indignation. "How rude! I've met people like you before. And if it weren't for them, the world would be much better off."

"Aargh! I didn't quit the Galbadian army for this crap!" yelled Wedge. Of course, since this was Timber, everyone was a member of the resistance, and everyone heard. They looked at Biggs and Wedge. "Get them!" one of them said.

"Oops."

Soon almost the entire city was after them, angry, yelling, and wielding flaming torches and pitchforks of unknown origin. "I'm sorry sir," panted Wedge as he ran.

"No big deal. You had to make a mistake like that _sometime_. I rub off on people."

Somehow they had ended up back in the city, and as they turned a corner they met another crowd charging at them. "Crap!" said Biggs.

"Okay. This time, we're really gonna die," said Wedge.

"I love you Wedgie," said Biggs.

"Uh huh" was Wedge's reply. As the mob closed in on them, Biggs shouted, "Argh! I don't wanna die!"

There was a flash from the feather as something completely unexpected happened. A white beam of light shot down from the sky and hit the ground. Three seconds after it faded away a dark lion erupted from where the light once was. Griever had risen.

o—o

Okay. Done for now. Please review. Cliffhanger! I wanted to make Selphie say "Boyaka!" and "Super-duper-mega-bummer!", but I couldn't fit it in. Square-Enix is horrible! Bring back Squaresoft!


	5. Bad Luck Good Luck

I seem to have a thing for minor characters. Almost all my favorites are the cool, but unimportant ones from whatever game or show or whatever. Anyway… I wonder how long Lucrecia has been twenty-one…

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVIII or anything from it. Squaresoft does.

_Chapter Five: Bad Luck Good Luck_

The great winged lion surveyed the crowd before him. Wherever his gaze fell, the people drew back. "Wow, that's a lot of enemies," said Griever.

Considering the fact that the GF could blast them all to kingdom come, Biggs took the chance of talking to him. With his luck, he'd most likely offend him and cause his own painful, searing death. "Hey, uh, lion dude, d'you mind getting us out of this mess?" he asked.

"My name is Griever, and sure. I _am_ junctioned to you." Griever crossed his arms and released a whole batch of controlled Tornado spells, blowing away most of the mob. The few left who didn't run away themselves were too scared to move. "Okay…I guess this would be our cue to RUN!" shouted Wedge and took off, with Biggs and Griever following behind. Once they were safely out of the city, Griever vanished back into Biggs's mind. Once again they were wanderers. As they walked, they conversed.

"Sir, you do know that junctioning a GF causes memory loss, don't you?" asked Wedge.

"Um, you don't have to worry about that. I junctioned him to my sensory whatchamacallits so now I have enhanced senses with no memory loss," replied Biggs.

"Oh. I didn't know you were that smart."

Biggs backhanded him between the eyes. "Ah!"

"Serves you right for insulting my intelligence."

"That's your way of showing affection, is it?"

"No, that's my way of telling you not to hurt my feelings."

"You have feelings?" said Wedge sarcastically. He dodged a swipe from his friend.

"You're heartless," said Biggs as he faked a hurt tone of voice.

"Well, I _am_ an evil bastard. By the way, I didn't think that there really was a GF in that feather. Maybe I'm cut out to be a prophet."

"You wish. Anyway, I have a GF! Those kids kicked our butts cause they had GFs on their side. Now that I have one too, we can get our revenge!"

"I don't like the sound of that…"

"Trust me, it's fool proof." By this time, they had reached the oceanside. Biggs summoned Griever. He appeared in an impressive display of pyrotechnics and glory, ready to wreak vengeance upon all who would dare to harm his new master.

"Huh? Where's the enemy?" asked Griever.

"No enemy this time, I'm afraid," said Wedge.

"Take us to Balamb!" commanded Biggs.

"What am I, your butler? Call me when you're in danger."

"Hey, I thought you're supposed to do what your master says."

"Sigh…Fine, but don't blame me if I drop one of you in the ocean."

Griever picked up the two men and flew away. Biggs, who always preferred to be in control of things, got on top of Griever's back and rode him like a flying pony. This left the poor GF sandwiched between two humans: Biggs on top, Griever in the middle, and Wedge being held at the bottom. The great lion sighed in exasperation. _This is so degrading_, he thought as he flew for the island of Balamb.

o—o

Wedge was really starting to regret being so passive about his friend's decisions. Right now they were in the town of Balamb. Biggs was asking for directions to the Garden. "What do you mean it's not there! It has to be! It can't be flying around the world _all_ the time!" he shouted.

"Look, as far as we know, that thing was built by the Centra Empire, so it probably _could_ float around on the ocean for all eternity, okay? I'm just saying that if you came all the way here from Galbadia just to see the Garden, then you've wasted your time," said the owner of the car rental.

"Are you calling me dumb?"

"I lease cars for a living, mister whoever-you-are. If I were rude, I'd go out of business. So no, I'm not calling you stupid," he said, albeit a bit impatiently. Biggs sighed in exasperation and stalked off, with Wedge following behind. "Thank you," said Wedge politely to the man. The two ex-soldiers walked to the dock and sat down.

"Stupid Garden piloted by stupid SeeDs floating around stupidly on the stupid ocean…" mumbled Biggs morosely as he sat, arms around his legs and his chin on his knees.

Wedge resisted the urge to sigh. No matter how demented Biggs could be, he was still his friend. And right now he was in desperate need of comfort. He had set his heart on wreaking vengeance and all the frustrations of his heart upon the hapless Garden and its occupants, after all. It may not be a God-given or legal right, per se, but revenge is too sweet an opportunity to pass up for Biggs. Wedge knew this by experience. Once, he had somehow upset his friend, and, in the middle of the frigid winter night, Biggs had abducted him and tied him (still undressed) to the top of a flagpole. Apparently, it was to teach him a lesson in "respecting his superior officers and all that crap." He knew that Biggs didn't really care about rank, since he was equally rude to all men, who were born equal. Wedge did learn a lesson, though, about not incurring the wrath of his friend when Biggs was in one of his moods. Wedge called those moods "menstruation."

Wedge tentatively put an arm on Biggs's back. "Come on, sir. It'll be okay. We'll find the Garden and show them who's boss," he said.

Biggs continued to mumble. "This sucks. Stupid, stupid, stupid…"

This was useless. If there were a Nirvana of sullen fury, Biggs would be the first one to achieve it. If Biggs was going to wallow in his wrathful, morose bloodlust, then blood was the only way to bring him out of it. Wedge looked around. _Seagulls…_ he thought.

Then inspiration struck. He looked to make sure that what he was about to do would be within Biggs's range of vision. A circle of blue magical energy spread out from him as he cast a Thundara spell at a nearby seagull. The poor bird went down squawking shrilly in a flurry of charred feathers and landed on the Garden student sitting nearby, surprising him and making him fall into the salt water with a "What the-".

Biggs made no sound. Wedge looked proudly at his masterfully applied Domino effect before turning to look at his comrade. Biggs was having a rather difficult time stifling his laughter. His face was distorted as if he had just eaten something incredibly bitter and been told he'd just won a trillion gil at the same time. Then, true to his personality, Biggs couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out laughing. "That was the awesomest thing I've ever seen, Wedge! Pure genius! Mwahahahahahahaha!"

Yes, life was good. Biggs was part evil. If you could still amuse him by causing harm to others, then you knew everything was fine. "Now about my revenge…" said Biggs.

o—o

OK, I'll stop for now. If you review, I'll purr happily like a lion having its ears scratched. Biggs and Wedge rule! Leonine One out.


	6. Sweet Revenge

Ehh…hi. Sorry I haven't updated so long, especially to Lucrecia LeVrai. I've had writer's block for half a year. Sorry if this chapter kind of sucks.

Disclaimer: I own Final Fantasy VIII, but I don't own any copyrights, so don't sue me for abusing the characters.

_Chapter Six: Sweet Revenge_

All was quiet. No incidents in the cafeteria, no stupid injuries in the training center, no Selphie bothering him to help with the Garden Festival, no annoying paperwork to file. Just…quiet and time to think, which is exactly how Squall liked things. He was just watching the sea from the dock in Fisherman's Horizon. Maybe things will be perfect today after all.

"Mwahahahahaha!"

Nope. Spoke too soon. Squall looked up to see… No, it couldn't be. It is. It was the two bumbling idiots whose names he never bothered to memorize. Didn't they have anything better to do than to get beat up?

"You will all suffer my wrath!" said the big one. Did he get fatter since last time?

"Sir, even I think that sounded lame."

"Shut up, killjoy!"

"Ow!"

…They're pathetic. He was soon joined by Zell, Quistis, and Selphie. Good. Maybe then the idiots will leave them alone. "Sir, are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, they do outnumber us two to one. Wouldn't it be better to just pull a few pranks, like dye the blond kid's hair pink?"

"Hey! No one's touching my hair!" said Zell. Chicken-wuss. Heheh, that's funny. Squall smirked. Thank Hyne Rinoa wasn't here to see it.

"Wimp! No one's pulling pranks on anyone! We're teaching these kids a lesson in humility!" shouted Biggs (was that his name?). Well, if it's a fight they want, then a fight they'll get. The heroes readied their weapons.

Boss Battle! 

Selphie begins by casting Wall on the party. Zell follows up with an attack to Wedge and Quistis Draw Casts Fira. "Wedge! Help! My ass is on fire!"

Wedge casts Water on Biggs and wastes a turn. Squall summons Quezacotl! _That should take care of them!_

The summoning ends and they are shocked to see Biggs and Wedge still standing! Wedge counters with a well-aimed Thundara to Zell's head, knocking him out. "Nice! Good going, Wedge!"

"Thank you, sir!"

Quistis casts Bad Breath on Biggs and Wedge. Biggs is poisoned, blinded, confused, and berserked! Wedge is poisoned, silenced, slow petrified, and blinded! Biggs attacks Wedge. "Ow! Not again!"

"Sorry, Wedge. Couldn't help it!"

Wedge uses Remedy on himself and casts Esuna on Biggs. Selphie casts Blizzaga on Biggs. "Haha! You dumb girl. I absorb ice!"

Quistis summons Diablo and takes out 9999 damage on Biggs and Wedge! Wedge uses his limit break Stock Break! Selphie is knocked out and Squall and Quistis are badly hit! Biggs uses an X-Potion on himself and Quistis casts Full-Life on Selphie. Squall uses Renzokuken on Biggs and almost knocks him out! Wedge uses his limit break Wakizashi and knocks out the entire party! Quistis Auto-Revives and casts Full-Life on Squall. "This is going nowhere!" says Quistis, "Just give up and surrender!"

"I don't think so, lady!" Biggs responds. Biggs uses his limit break Hammer Blow on Quistis and knocks her out! Squall casts Life on Quistis. "Will you people stop healing each other!"

"Sir, maybe we should just go."

"Shut up, we're winning!"

Biggs summons Griever! Shockwave Pulsar! As the rings of energy surround Squall and Quistis, they are lifted up into a cloudy toroid of raw power. A stream of light flows to the center and coalesces in a sphere of blue-black. As soon as the light has completely retracted into the sphere it releases all its primal force in a blinding, deafening boom, sending out shockwaves that can be heard for miles around. "Urgh…defeated by my own limit break…" mutters Quistis as she collapses.

"I'll get you, you traitorous cat…"

"Sorry, Squall! It's the fat guy's fault!"

"I'm not fat! I'm beefy!"

_End Battle_

Wedge failed to repress his snicker. "Beefy?"

"I am!"

"Yes, sir. I can totally see how very masculine and attractive you are."

"Wedge, I am going to murder you in your sleep."

Wedge finally couldn't resist it any longer and burst out laughing. Then he realized something and stopped. "Um, sir, are they dead?"

"Ah, don't be ridiculous," said Biggs, using his foot to nudge an unconscious Zell. "They're still breathing…I think."

"Oh my God! We killed them!"

"Wedge, before you start screaming bloody murder, we did _not_ kill them!"

"I can't not start screaming bloody murder because I've already _started_ screaming bloody murder! We killed them!" screamed Wedge, his voice two octaves higher than normal.

"We didn't kill them!"

"Don't you realize what this means, sir! We're civilians now. Killing people is Eel-E-Gal! Worse, we're deserters! Oh gawd, the SeeDs will find us, and we'll be tried for murder, and then we'll be extradited to Galbadia, and we'll be tried for murder _and_ desertion _and_ worsening foreign relations!"

"Wedge! Calm down! Now the first thing we need to do is-"

"What is going on here!" said a voice, an angry voice, from behind them. They stiffened and turned around, slow as tonberries and pale as ghosts, without seeming to move a muscle. What they saw was a middle-aged woman in a doctor's smock, looking extremely pissed off in the way that only doctors can.

"Oh, crap," squeaked Wedge.

o—o

I've finally overcome my writer's block! Sorry it took half a year, heheh. Next chapter, there will be scratching by the charming and beautiful Sorceress Rinoa.


	7. Community Service?

Well, there's not much to say so I'll just get to the disclaimer: I don't own the Garden, Dr. Kadowaki, Rinoa, Raijin, Fujin, Seifer, or anyone else. I wish I owned Biggs and Wedge, but that's just a pipe dream, sadly.

_Chapter Seven: Community Service?_

"Well, you're lucky they ain't dead! Otherwise I'd personally tear you two apart, never mind the Hippocratic oath!" said an extremely irritated Dr. Kadowaki. Biggs and Wedge flinched at the wrath in her voice, still traumatized at how roughly and painfully she had bandaged them up.

"DAMAGE?" asked Fujin in her usual concise manner.

"Well, Zell's fine other than slight head trauma and temporary amnesia and delirium from an electrical shock to the face. The others weren't so lucky though. Quistis, Selphie, and Squall each have varying amounts of cracked ribs, broken noses, burns, puncture wounds, slash wounds, fractured bones, not to mention a whole lotta cuts and bruises."

"Wow. That's gotta be, like, really painful, ya know?" said Raijin.

"Yeah, well, as for the two idiots from Galbadia, they have minor cuts and bruises, some after effects of Bad Breath, the fat one's got minor burns on his posterior, and they stink. They'll live, unfortunately."

"Hey! We only smell because Blondie over there decided to open her mouth and breathe toxic tuna breath fumes all over us. And I am not fat! There's got to be a better way to say that!" complained Biggs.

"Corpulent?" supplied Wedge, earning himself a sharp slam to the noggin.

"So, what are we gonna do with the doofuses, ya know?"

"Give them an award for finally fulfilling an order eight months after it was given," came a voice in the doorway.

"SEIFER!"

"Ah! It's that kid who was always bossing us around!" said Biggs.

Seifer stalked slowly into the infirmary, a feral grin on his face. "You know, Squall is almost adorable when he's badly injured. I kind of like him this way. Still, we have to deal with these two."

"COMMUNITY SERVICE."

Everyone's heads turned to stare at her inquisitively. Fujin sighed and kicked Raijin in the shins. "RAIJIN. EXPLAIN."

"Uh, I think she means that since they beat up the leaders of Garden, ya know, then they should pay for it by helping out around the Garden, ya know."

"Hmm, that's actually a pretty good idea," said Dr. Kadowaki.

"Fine, just don't give Biggs cafeteria duty unless you want to induce mass diarrhea," said Wedge.

Biggs just glared at him. They were hurling so many insults at him that he decided to just sit and sulk. What is wrong with the malicious meanies anyway?

"You …"

"What?"

"Rectal orifices."

o—o

Biggs wondered just who this Irvine guy was. Apparently he was some hotshot sharpshooter from Galbadia Garden. Apparently, he also didn't do anything but flirt. So how was helping a womanizer do nothing supposed to be community service again? On second thought, it didn't sound half that bad; free food and a place to sleep just for goofing off? Heck, he's not complaining.

o—o

Wedge was terrified. Apparently, this Rinoa girl was the infamous Sorceress Rinoa Heartilly: Rinoa who survived encounters with three of the most powerful sorceresses in history; Rinoa who inherited Sorceress Adel's powers; Rinoa who inherited Sorceress Edea's powers, who in turn first received it from a dying Ultimecia; Rinoa who was the clingy girlfriend of Squall Leonhart, the guy he and Biggs just almost killed. No, she would not be pleased to see him. Oh God, what if she turned him into a frog and ate him? He's heard of powerful sorceresses able to transform people into animals and animate badass statues. What if she…

"Hi, I'm Rinoa. Are you Wedge?"

"Ah…um, yes ma'am"

Wedge gulped. Sorceresses were a smart bunch. Maybe she was just toying with him until she fused him to the ceiling.

"Cool! Let me get this straight. You get to be my slave for a day?"

Oh, no. So that's what she was planning: mind control!

"Err… That's not how they put it, but yeah, I guess you could say that…ma'am."

The sorceress giggled. "You're so courteous. You're kinda like Squall, except nicer and less angsty."

Wedge was starting to sweat. Any time now…

"Let's go watch the ocean!"

What? Is that some kind of sorceress slang for drown and despair in a sea of your own blood? Before he could respond, she grabbed him by the arm and pulled him away.

o—o

"Wow! I can't believe it worked!" said Biggs, ecstatic.

"I told you. A lot of the girls here love the jock look, especially if you play it right," said Irvine.

"Kid, you're awesome. I haven't gotten so many numbers since I was a private, before all the women in Deling City found out I wasn't actually that cool."

"Yeah, that slight gut you have really convinced them that you used to be a linebacker for the G-Garden football team."

"Hey!"

Biggs was really happy, despite the fat joke that Irvine kid just made. He wondered how Wedge was doing. Then he realized his best friend was stuck with the sorceress whose friends they just beat up. Oh, crap. She was probably boiling his intestines right now to make human haggis and was probably force-feeding it to him! If she takes Wedge's liver he'll never be able to get drunk with him at 2 AM ever again! Biggs sprinted down the hall, frantically searching for his friend.

"Don't worry Wedge! I'm coming!"

"Hey! Where are you going? What's gotten into him?" shouted Irvine as he chased after the man.

o—o

"So you're really not mad at me?" asked Wedge. They were at the balcony of the Garden, watching the seagulls fly across the sky, the oceans reflecting its vast blueness.

"No. That Biggs guy was the one who almost killed him. I'm going to scratch his eyeballs out if I ever see him."

"He's not that bad, actually. He's loud, impulsive, bad-tempered, a little stupid sometimes, and he gets really bad ideas, but generally he's a pretty nice guy. And as twisted as it sounds, he only wanted revenge. I mean your friends did beat us up twice. We were stuck in shabby hospitals for months after that. And I swear the doctors never washed their hands."

"Hmm. I'm still going to defend Squall's honor."

Wedge sighed. "I was afraid of that…"

"By the way, I heard rumors from the people in FH that you used some kind of guardian force to beat Squall, which is funny because I thought that we had all the GFs."

Before Wedge could respond a hyperinflated Biggs burst through the metal door, followed by a breathless Irvine. "Leave him alone, you sadistic witch!"

"What?"

"Sir, everything's fine," said Wedge.

"Really? You mean she hasn't turned you into haggis?"

"Eww! That's gross! I would never do that! Who are you anyway?" said Rinoa.

"I'm Biggs."

"So _you're_ the one! Pain!"

Before Biggs could react, he was struck with Darkness, Silence, and Poison. He collapsed to the floor, writhing in agony.

"That's what you get for hurting my Squally-Wally! Hai-ya!"

With an Amazon war screech, she descended on him like an angry cat, scratching and clawing. _Wedge! Help me!_ thought Biggs as loudly as he could. Unfortunately, Wedge wasn't telepathic. Fortunately, Wedge was enough of a friend to attempt to pull her off of him, earning himself a few scratches in the face. Irvine just stood by and watched. He was smart enough to know never to mess with an angry female. Besides, he was still breathless from that little run he had with Biggs through the Garden. He did have the heart to use a Remedy on Biggs, though.

"That'll teach you to mess with my knight in leather armor!" huffed Rinoa, sated for the moment.

"Urgh…" was all Biggs could manage.

"We better get you to the infirmary, sir."

o—o

Wow, I managed to make it interesting again. Yay! My spell check tried to turn Raijin into a raisin and Ultimecia into multimedia. I got the fat Biggs idea from my friend Jeffrey. He's been putting on weight since 11th grade. I make fun of him for it, then he punches me in the arm and it hurts because I'm weak like a moogle.


	8. FUNNY, KNOW?

Hi. Little intermission chapter here. Don't mind the silliness.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything, anyone, or anywhere in the FFVIII universe.

_Chapter Eight: FUNNY, KNOW?_

"Hey, Fuu. You sure this is alright, ya know?" asked Raijin.

"SILENCE. WORKING."

Squall was always so grumpy, even when he was sleeping, which was why when Fujin was done with the permanent sharpie, he had a grumpy face drawn over his countenance, complete with angry unibrow, a monocle, and a curved mustache.

"Heheh. Hey that's pretty funny, ya know? Let me try ya know?"

Fujin smiled devilishly. "FINALLY, UNDERSTAND."

When the two left the infirmary, which Dr. Kadowaki had left momentarily, there were doodles on all the inpatients. Selphie had "I'm with airhead" on her forehead and swirly cheeks and cat whiskers drawn on; Zell had somehow been transformed into a chicken; and Quistis had her whip in her hand words like "kinky" and "behave!" written on her body.

o—o

"What in the world…"

Dr. Kadowaki surveyed the scene before her. While she was offended someone had managed to do this to her patients in her absence, she could help but laugh at the doodles. What had been drawn on Quistis was inevitably some of the lonelier male students' fantasies.

"They ain't gonna be happy when they wake up, especially Squall…"

o—o

Mwahaha. Review!


	9. They Awake!

And we're back with more drama, romance, and action! Not really, but since this fic is one of the very few concerning Biggs and Wedge, it's worth a little browsing, no?

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I feel nothing, I sense nothing, I _am_ nothing. Ommmmmmm…

o—o

_Chapter Nine: They Awake!_

Rinoa bounced happily to the infirmary. "Squall! I'm so glad you're awake! Um, you have a little black unibrow on your face."

"Whatever…"

Squall continued to angrily glare off into nothing. He was determined to burn a hole into the wall with his eyes, never mind that he doesn't know Blue Magic like Quistis, who was hiding under the covers and refuses to come out. Zell had woken up but fell back asleep, snoring chainsaws. Selphie had already been released. Who ever did this to him was going to pay dearly. Nobody doodles on Squall Leonhart. Nobody! Oops, that sounded a little evil there…

o—o

"Great job with the sign, Perna! Acostas, are the lights fixed yet? Hey, no, that doesn't go there! A little to the left!" yelled Selphie, still energetic despite the fact that she was in a wheelchair.

Wedge continued doing as he was told as well as he could, while Biggs did the same as sulkily as possible. After the larger man had been viciously attacked by Rinoa, Wedge had to drag him all the way to the infirmary. He had complained so much about his pain that Dr. Kadowaki threw him out of the infirmary and refused to treat him, saying, "You can bandage your own damn crybaby posterior, you stupid Galbadian!"

Wedge seriously felt bad for his friend. The guy flinched every time he touched a tender spot, which was just about everywhere. Maybe if he pleaded hard enough, Rinoa won't unleash her wrath on Biggs every time she saw him.

They were helping this Selphie girl with the Garden Festival decorations. Wedge had to admit that it was damned impressive how she could still bounce like a rubber ball on a sugar high even when she's confined to a wheelchair. Was that a fracture in one of the wheels? He had heard about her from other students before he and Biggs came to help out. They said she was the anti-gravitic hair from Trabia. She was the one whose giant green eyes could petrify a gorgon, whose voice could strike fear even in a ruby dragon. It is said that since light travels faster than sound, you would see a flash of bright, daisy yellow just before you heard the dreaded question: "Can you help in the Garden Festival?"

Personally, he didn't see what was so bad about helping her out. At least she was nice. "Ooh! That's a really nice job with the stage, Wedge!"

"Um, thank you ma'am," said Wedge, blushing. The girls nearby thought this was cute, and giggled, which caused Wedge to blush even more.

"Heehee, he is sooooo cute!" giggled one of the girls to her two friends.

Wedge smiled. Cute, huh? Well there's a first. At least he's got a chance with the girls here. Too bad they were all teenagers.

o—o

Quistis was finally released from the infirmary. She was currently looking for Raijin and Fujin to discuss their proposal to teach martial arts classes. Let's see, a big guy wearing a vest and a trash bag, and an albino girl in blue with an eye patch… Ah, there's Raijin. Strange, he was alone for once. Oh, well. "Raijin!"

"Quistis! Err, it was all Fujin's idea, ya know? I swear, ya know?"

"What was Fujin's idea?"

"Ah, nothing, ya know?"

"Raijin, what was Fujin's idea?" asked Quistis evenly, like the calm before a storm.

"…Ya know…"

"You're the one who wrote 'behave!' on my chest, aren't you!"

"Sorry, Quistis, ya kno-Ow! Quistis, let's not jump to conclusions, ya know! I didn't do everything, ya know! Ahh, Fujin's gonna kill me, ya know!" said Raijin, doing an Irish jig while sprinting as Quistis lashed out at him with her whip.

o—o

Doing community service for Squall wasn't so bad, Biggs thought. The president of Esthar was a pretty cool guy, and so were his aides. Right now he and Wedge were playing poker with the three. He couldn't see why the leader of SeeD dreaded dealing with these guys so much. He had specifically ordered them to "keep his guests entertained." Biggs supposed this was not what he had in mind, but it's just as well. "Read 'em and weep! Flush! Haha!" said Biggs as he slapped down his hand. Oh, yeah.

"…"

"Ward's got a royal flush," said Kiros. Ward laid down his cards with grace that Biggs would never have expected from such a big guy. He looked at the cards gloomily. Damn! He was so close, too!

Biggs was now deeply in debt. That Ward guy has a hell of a poker face.

o—o

Fujin was intimidating a cadet for littering in the halls when she heard Raijin's voice yelling somewhere far off. He was such an idiot. She'll have to kick him in the shins for noise pollution later. But first, she had to deal with the frightened cadet, who was shaking like a cornered mouse.

This was going to be fun. Was that the sound of whips crackling in the distance?

"Fuu…!" she heard as a dying echo.

o—o

Wedge crawled slowly into bed, doing a better zombie impression than any stupid horror movie ever could. Who knew that President Laguna was a former Galbadian soldier whose idea of 'super exciting fun' was to go fighting T-rexaurs all afternoon in the training center with his friends? Oy vay…

"Good night, sir…" he muttered. No response.

"Sir?"

It was only then that Wedge noticed Biggs was already snoring loudly. Oh, well. He was too tired to care. Within minutes, he was asleep.

o—o

_Oh, great. I'm naked again. Wait… I'm naked! Why the heck am I naked! I look around. Okay, I'm in some sort of an infirmary, except the walls aren't plastered white. And, ah!_

_"Oh good, you're awake."_

_He must be the doctor. He speaks funny. I've heard of some Highland Trabians speaking with an accent called a brogue. This must be it._

_"How are ya feeling, Rodney?"_

_My name's not Rodney! It's Biggs; B-I-G-G-S. I try to say something, but nothing comes out._

_"Do you recognize me Rodney? Great, he's got bloody head trauma. Hello, I'm Carson, Dr. Carson Beckett, MD. You're in Atlantis in the Pegasus galaxy. That's At-lan-tis. Can you say that Rodney?"_

_For the last time it's Biggs! I reach out my hand to slap him._

_"Ow! Ya daft, cheeky wee bugger! Don't think that just because you've got amnesia that I won't use the _big_ needles on you!"_

_Whatever. I'm outta here. I get up, but before I know it, I'm in a whole lotta pain and I can't move._

_"Major! Do you have any idea what a wraith stunner blast can do to a patient in a weakened state like him!"_

_I slowly fade out. The last thing I hear before everything turns black sounded suspiciously like: "But it was fun!"_

o—o

Biggs slowly awoke to the sun shining in his face. Wedge was already up, shaving, a towel over his bare torso. Biggs wasn't going to bother with that today. It was too much trouble. Besides, less grooming means more sleeping. But before he knew it Wedge was yanking the covers off of him.

"Hey!" Biggs shrank into the fetal position, praying to whatever deity happened to be nearby that he could just have several more hours of sleep.

"Time to get up sir. We have to go clean something up in the cafeteria. Apparently it's a real big mess. They say it's very important that we get to it, but that we don't have to hurry too much."

"Then let me sleep," said Biggs through clenched teeth.

"Fine, but it's not my fault if Rinoa comes and tries to claw you to death again."

"Alright, alright. I'm up."

o—o

"Really big mess, huh?"

Biggs looked around the cafeteria. It was perfectly clean. Everything was perfected organized and precisely ordered. Mary Poppins herself couldn't have done a better job. Everything seemed okay, until he heard a voice above him.

"Hey! Somebody get me down from here, ya know! I'm hungry, ya know!"

High on the cafeteria wall, there was Raijin, heavily plastered to the wall with profanities written all over him. Wedge had never seen such a variety of vulgarity. Even Biggs seemed genuinely impressed. What the heck are a 'popokopf' and a 'ben zonah'?

"I guess we better get started…" said Wedge.

o—o

Popokopf means butthead in German. Ben zonah means son of a B-word in Hebrew. I just felt like applying my interest in linguistics to the story. And the whole dream sequence and random names were references to Stargate: Atlantis, a very good show. Please review!


	10. Workers Unite!

I'm back! It's so hard to write a story without the proper motivation, no? (Hint, hint) Well, since Lucrecia is the only one who ever reads this I guess there's not much point in asking for reviews…(teardrop). My loyal Lucrecia… _Good_ Lucrecia… _Precioussssss_…

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVIII copyrighted material and I am only writing this because I am confident I will not be sued.

o—o

_Chapter Ten: Workers Unite!_

"Wedge?" said Biggs, scrubbing a toilet in the dormitory restroom with a dirty brush while attempting with all his might not to touch it.

"Yes, sir?" replied Wedge. His brush wasn't doing so well. If anything, it seemed to be making the toilet dirtier.

"How long have we been doing this crap job?"

"Ah, two weeks, sir."

"Oh. I thought so."

They scrubbed in silence. Outside, the students were enjoying the fresh ocean air, the wind caressing their collective hair, while listening to the soothing cries of seagulls. Dolphins jumped out of the water and chirped happily as they played. Inside, Biggs and Wedge were hearing only the mundane, grating sound of toilet scrubbing and breathing the distinct scent of eau-de-excrément. Two hours of fruitless toilet cleaning finally got to Biggs.

"Argh! This is so _stupid_! We've been 'helping out' for two weeks now!"

"We did say we would help until they are well enough to return to their normal work."

"Well how long could it take to recover! And we didn't volunteer. We were forced!"

"Look on the bright side, sir. At least we have something to do."

"Yeah, but we used to get _paid_ in Galbadia!"

"Well…Raijin _did_ fall on me when we were getting him off that wall."

"Yeah, and in a very awkward position, too."

"Yes, yes. I know…" Wedge blushed.

"Very…suggestive. If I had just randomly caught the two of you like that, I'd think you were-"

"Okay, sir. That's enough."

"I was just saying-"

"Lalalalalalala I'm not _lis-en-iiiing_!"

o—o

The slayers of the great Sorceress Ultimecia were having their bimonthly meeting when the door to the Headmaster's office burst open. Six pairs of eyes turned to look, annoyed, at the intrusion. "Yo! We have a problem with our situation!" said Biggs. Wedge trailed hesitantly behind him, as usual.

"Really? And what, pray tell, might that be?" said Squall, one eyebrow raised. The others looked at him strangely.

"What?" he said.

"How long are you planning on keeping us here? We've been here for two goddam weeks! It's not like you even need our help anymore."

"That is not up to you."

Biggs froze in rage as he heard those words. "Excuse me?"

"We are on international waters. And since your crime was committed on Garden soil, Garden law dictates your fate. And what Garden laws say in this case is that you two are prisoners, which means we get to do with you as we please."

Biggs went red in the face. "You can't do that! That's prisoner abuse! At least they paid us in Galbadia. And we were treated a little bit better, even though Wedge had to work as a male stri-mmf!"

The rest of the words weren't words but muffled sounds. Wedge had sealed Biggs's mouth with a small, well-aimed Blizzard spell. "Sorry sir. What he means is that we have done our fair share of community service and should be allowed to regain our status as upstanding citizens."

"You beat us up!" protested Zell.

"Yes…well, you beat us up, too. Twice!"

"Mmf!"

"We were trying not to get killed!" said Quistis.

"Err…um…yeah, good point…"

"Mmf?"

"Good. Now that we have that worked out, please finish cleaning the toilets. Oh, and President Laguna is leaving for Esthar tomorrow and wants to say goodbye to everyone, including you two. I can't imagine why. You must have compatible types of idiocy. Anyway… You're dismissed."

"Mmf! Mmfmffmf fmmffm _mmf_!"

Wedge, with some difficulty, dragged Biggs out of the room.

"Good. Now, next topic of discussion…the woman in the pub in Dollet who seems to be interested in me for something…"

"Um, Squally, that was a man," said Rinoa.

"…Whatever. And I told you not to call me that in front of people."

o—o

_Clink. Clink. Clink. FWOOM._

After five minutes of trying to free his mouth with an ice pick, Biggs got tired and decided to melt it off with a Fira spell.

"Argh! Finally! You know, Wedge, you didn't have to freeze me like that!" said Biggs angrily. Wedge's mind was somewhere else.

"Hmm…Well that didn't work…"

"Hell-_o_! I'm talking to you!"

Wedge was still deep in thought.

"What if…no, that still wouldn't work."

"Grr! Private Wedge! Stand to attention!"

"YES SIR! Wait…we're not in the army anymore!"

"I was trying to get attention!"

"I know! We'll sneak onto the Ragnarok with President Laguna!"

"You think he'll help us?"

"No, sir. That's why it's called sneaking."

o—o

Two days later, Laguna, Ward, and Kiros boarded the _Gotterdammerung_. Everyone, including his poker buddies Biggs and Wedge, had given them a fond farewell. Well…everyone except Squall, who was only ever fond relative to a cat. Still, he had fun. As they ascended the walkway, they did not notice a silvery gray feather being blown discreetly into the ship and up into the hangar. If they had noticed it, they would have thought that the way it flowed was suspiciously purposeful.

The dragon ship ascended gracefully and sailed away, leaving a powerful echo in its wake. The people of Balamb Garden watched it depart, then went back to their usual activities (walking around aimlessly and predictably, stopping only to talk to a hero who happens to approach them, or, if the hero says the word "Square!" challenge them to a card game). Up in the deck of the _Gotterdammerung_, Laguna slapped the pilot heavily on the back, saying "To Esthar, my good man!" causing the poor pilot to slam into the controls. The _Gotterdammerung_ dived toward the ocean, recovered, lurched, gained altitude, and stabilized.

"For the fourteenth time, don't _do_ that!" shouted the pilot, who was trying to piece together his shattered nerves.

"Sorry, heheh."

"…"

"Ward says you never grow up," translated Kiros.

o—o

In the hangar, the feather settled.

_Gosh, Wedge. That was genius! What was it we did again?_ Said Biggs.

_We let Griever junction us to himself so that even if someone saw us, they wouldn't notice anything suspicious. And it was Griever's idea, sir,_ said Wedge.

_Aww, gee. It's no big deal. Ultimecia did it to me once. Anyway, don't think this isn't a one-time thing. You guys are crowding my mental space,_ said Griever.

_Huh. So you're useful for more than just fighting and transportation…interesting,_ said Biggs.

_Yeah… Hey, did you know that Quezacotl's junction item is Squall's feathered boa?_ said Griever.

The ship flew majestically over the waters towards Esthar.

o—o

"Hey, does it seem quieter here?" said Zell.

"Hey, yeah. Something seems missing," said Selphie.

"Less…complaining," said Quistis.

"Where're Biggs and Wedge?" said Rinoa.

"…" said Squall. _I am going to kill those two_, he thought.

o—o

Heheh. Sorry for not updating in so long. I kind of forgot. Also, Quetzalcoatl is known to the Aztecs as the feathered serpent. Feathered snake, feathered boa… I just thought you'd appreciate the joke. Uum… please review!


	11. Caudex et Timidus

Hmm… Since no one but Lucrecia seems to be reading this story, I guess there's not much point in an author's note (sad…). I'll just get on with things, then.

Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy VIII and Biggs and Wedge, I'd be rich and I wouldn't be writing this, now, would I?

o—o

_Chapter Eleven: Caudex et Timidus_

It was known as the Great City, the one that rivaled the ancient Centra Empire, the mysterious and powerful technologically hyper-advanced city of Esthar. It was said that its citizens had flying cars and transparent, glass-like roads that every futuristic city absolutely has to have. Otherwise, what was advanced technology for? Tell anyone that Esthar is headed by a former Galbadian soldier turned journalist and world-class bumbling idiot and that person will laugh at you.

In the president's office of the great Presidential Palace, five people looked at each other uneasily.

"Maybe it was a mistake to unjunction ourselves _before_ they got off the ship, sir," said Wedge.

"How was _I_ supposed to know you would sneeze and trip down the stairs in front of them!" said Biggs.

"You two were pretty lucky Laguna called off the guards before they had a chance to shoot you," said Kiros.

"Squall's going to be very mad at me, you know…" said Laguna.

o—o

_Wedge and Biggs appeared in a flash of light as they unjunctioned themselves from Griever. Wedge caught the feather as it floated down. "Right. And now, to sneak off this ship undetected," said Biggs._

_Wedge followed as Biggs walked cautiously out of the hangar. There was no one on the walkway in front of them. They proceeded quietly to the end of the walkway and down the stairs. Two thirds of the way down, Wedge sneezed and missed a step going down. He fell, face forward, into Biggs, who hadn't been expecting him. They both fell down the stairs in a groaning, bruised heap, with Wedge on top. Someone must have heard them, because a big hatch opened and a dozen guards with big weapons filed in, all armed and aimed at the two men._

_"What's going on? 'Scuse me, sorry, coming through. Oh, it's you two. Uh, it's okay. You can all put down your weapons. Me and my aides will take care of this."_

_Laguna, Kiros, and Ward looked at the tangled heap that was Biggs and Wedge._

"…"

"_Ward says this might be a problem."_

o—o

"He can't be mad if he doesn't know," said Biggs.

"Trust me, he'll know. I know him. I don't know how, but he knows everything, eventually."

"Well, we could have escaped by other means." He grinned and winked.

"In the middle of the ocean, sir?"

"We do have Griever."

"They set up an anti-magic field after we attacked them with him, sir."

"Oh…really?"

"I'm doomed. You have no idea how scary Squall can be when he's mad. I mean, have you _seen_ how he uses that gunblade? I've seen _Malboros_ run off after seeing him! I'm so dead…" said Laguna.

"Garden does technically have its own territory. If Squall wants an extradition, I'm afraid we can't refuse," said Kiros.

"Chop, chop, chop…" said Laguna.

"You can't mean that! That place is a hellhole!"

"I've always thought it was very nice there. It has nice architecture."

"Slash, bleed, slash, bits fall off…"

"Oh, sure. Of course it's nice when they _invite_ you over. But it really _sucks_ if they hold you prisoner!"

"Stab, shoot, bang, pain…"

"I completely agree with Mr. Biggs on that one, for once."

"'Mr.' Biggs?"

"Well, you know… I can't just call you Biggs, sir…"

"Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut… _Cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut_!"

"…"

"Yeah, stop that. He's not that bad…mostly," said Kiros.

"Look, you could just dress us up in those fancy Esthar clothes of yours and hide us out somewhere, possibly a nice condo with a good view, and tell Squall that you never saw us at all," said Biggs.

"You don't understand. Squall is persistent. He finds out about things. He found out about Ultimecia just by looking at the political turmoil in Galbadia, for Hyne's sake!"

"It's a little more complicated than that, Laguna. And we did fill in all the details. He actually knew very little before that," said Kiros.

"Whatever. My point is that he has destiny on his side. Even though it's practically impossible, he'll find out!"

"I don't think destiny cares about minor characters like us…" muttered Wedge.

"…"

"Ward says that either way, Biggs is right. It's highly unlikely that Squall will find any trace of them without rigorously examining citizenship, property, and financial records. And I doubt he'll do that because Esthar is huge. Besides, you can swear the guards to secrecy. What's the worst that could happen? Even if we do turn them in, Squall will still be just as mad at us for 'Being Careless With Escapees and Stowaways.'"

"Wow. You got all that from three little dots?" said Biggs.

"They're called ellipses, and no. I can tell what Ward is communicating by looking at his eyes."

"Sounds kinda fishy to me."

o—o

Biggs, donning the name Cliff Andersen once more, and Wedge, now Garrett Baxter again, looked at their new apartment. "Damn! This is nice! And you say this is one of the cheaper ones here?"

"Yes. I'm sorry but people get suspicious if the president of Esthar spends a large amount of money to house two foreign strangers," said Kiros.

"Who cares! This is much nicer than most places in Deling City!"

"Look, sir! You can see the palace from here."

"And none of the plumbing is broken, either!"

"Gosh!"

Kiros watched the pair as they ogled, oohed, and aahed around the apartment while Ward showed them how to use some of the less self-explanatory appliances. They're like eight year olds on Christmas morning. And just over a cheap apartment. Then again, him, Ward, and Laguna were also like that when they first officially became Estharian citizens. Even in Garden, he had found the two quite likeable. He's actually glad Laguna was willing to help them, even in the face of Squall's wrath. It would be heartless to turn them in to Garden after they've so politely lost so many poker games to him, Ward, and Laguna (No one could be _that _bad at poker, therefore, he reasoned, they must be losing on purpose. After all, Laguna usually loses to anyone else he's playing.).

o—o

In the headmaster's office, Squall leaned on one leg, and thought.

He could demand an extradition, but that wouldn't be enough. If Laguna says they aren't there, he could do nothing about it. Of course, diplomatic (and familial, even though he would never admit it) relations allowed for him to ask for a personal search, just to make sure. If Laguna truly has nothing to hide, he would grant them entry. Really, he didn't care much what happened to them, but they did injure him and it said a great deal about Garden that it let two incompetent idiots like them slip through their fingers. He'll pursue them just for the look of it. In fact, he'll be perfectly happy if he doesn't find them. If he doesn't find them, he'll let it go. But if he does…

Well, let's say they better have invented teleportation in Esthar.

o—o

Sorry for not updating in so long. I just got back from Taiwan (free Taiwan! China must not be appeased!). I've got so many emails…


	12. Constipation and Kitty Litters

I'm back! Eeeek! Yes! The story has a second reader! I'm so happy! (Ten minutes of dancing to "Scotland the Brave" and "Deep in the Heart of Texas" on bagpipes) Wheee!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing is all I own. All is nothing. I own all! Mwahahahahaha! Just kidding. Please don't sue me.

o—o

_Chapter Twelve: Constipation and Kitty Litters_

"I thought guardian forces liked to stay in people's heads," said Cliff.

"Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how cramped a puny human mind is for entities of such awesome powers as us?" said Griever.

"Get your muzzle out of your butt."

"Well we do have an extra room, sir. It's not like he'll be a hassle."

Oh, how wrong they were.

o—o

Laguna stared at the face on the screen. It was a face very much like Raine, his beloved, deceased wife. Well, except that unlike her, this one had a scowl on most of the time.

"Do you understand me, Mr. President? I am demanding, officially, for an extradition," said Squall.

Laguna resisted the urge to wipe away the beads of moisture that are now forming on his forehead. Boy, is he glad that Garden hasn't installed hi-def monitors yet.

"Er, you can't extradite what's not there, Squall."

The face in the monitor frowned even more, if it were possible.

"Really? Well in that case, I am asking for entry into Esthar to personally search for the two…fugitives. After all, we can't let these two dangerous criminals escape, lest they so any harm to the Estharians."

Laguna squirmed in his seat. Right now, he was wishing it wasn't made of leather, which was reflecting all his body heat back to himself.

"Um…Sure Squall. No problemo. What's family for, eh?"

He grinned like a pin was stuck in an uncomfortable place, and that if he didn't, it would get even more uncomfortable. One eye twitched.

"Whatever. Why are you acting like that, by the way?"

In Squall's office, Laguna's image seemed to get even more uncomfortable. Kiros's face appeared on the monitor.

"He's just constipated, Squall. Nothing to worry about," said Kiros.

The monitor went blank. _Those two are up to something,_ thought Squall. _Well, maybe just Kiros. It's not as if Laguna is that intelligent._

o—o

"What'd you have to go and tell him I'm constipated for! I'm not constipated!"

"You were going to get yourself in trouble again, so I helped with the most likely solution."

"Well, couldn't you have come up with something a little better than bowel movement?"

"Maybe. But constipation was more fun."

As Kiros ran out of the office grinning, a rubber stress ball bounced off the back of his head and made little squeaky noise.

o—o

"Whaddaya mean, you're hungry? I thought guardian forces don't eat!"

"Not usually. But when we take a physical form, it's easier just to get our energy the natural way. After all, maintaining a form takes a lot of energy, so it's easier just to let it maintain itself."

"What do guardian forces eat anyway?" asked Garrett.

"Well I don't know about the others, but I like wildebeest."

"Um, sorry Griever, but we don't get wildebeest here," said Garrett.

"Oh. Do you have beef?"

"Probably"

"Well… That'll do, I guess…"

"How about we just get some Purina Cat Chow?" said Cliff.

"Ha. Ha. Very funny. It's steak or nothin', boy," said Griever.

"Then nothin' it is."

o—o

In the market, a man muttered angrily to himself. Passers-by regarded him with interest usually reserved for entertainment. He was stocky, and he was hunched. He was also stomping the ground like a Nazi storm trooper.

"_Stupid Wedge I mean Garret stupid blue lion with wings_ What're you lookin' at! _Stupid stupid stupid top grade steak taking all my money…_"

o—o

In the palace, Ward looked surreptitiously around the corner, in case someone followed him. He let down the guard he was holding on his shoulder and took off the blindfold and gag.

"M-Mr. Zabac?"

Ward put a finger to his mouth.

"What're you doing, Mr. Zabac?" whispered the guard. Ward was the friendliest man in the palace. Kidnapping someone was the last thing anyone would expect from him.

"…"

"Um. I can't understand you, sir. Mr. Seagill isn't here to translate for you."

Ward flinched. He took out a blackboard and a piece of chalk and began to write.

_Don't trust anything that man says about me._

"What? But I thought he was the only one who could understand you."

_Total bull. Kiros just makes it all up as he goes along._

"You mean he's just using you to support his own ideas?"

_Yes! He's evil!_

"I knew it! I knew there was no way anyone could understand anything you wanted just like that!"

_You gotta help me!_

"He's just like my girlfriend, then. Always making decisions for me. It's always 'What Dash is _saying_ is' or 'He doesn't really want the big Winhill shepherd. He wants the pink, fluffy kitty!' You know, I should break up with her. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Just as soon as I-"

The guard (named Dash, apparently) slumped forward into blissful oblivion. Ward rubbed his knuckles and sighed. Why is it that every time he tries to do this, it never works? They always go off on a tangent… Well, at least twenty-seven people know that Kiros is not to be trusted now. Twenty-eighth time's the charm…

"Ward? Where are you, buddy? Laguna needs us."

Crap…

o—o

"What the hell is _this_!" said Griever.

"It's a kitty litter!" said Cliff, grinning. _Mwahaha. Payback time!_

"I can see that. Why do we have a kitty litter?"

"Because when we organic organisms eat, we poop."

"Yeah well, there _is_ a toilet, you know."

"Oh, no. You can't use _that_. That's for humans only. It's the, um, law."

Griever narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"_What_ law?"

"It's the, er, Racial Plumbing Amendment of, um, 5608. Yup, it's the law. You gotta obey the law."

"Grr… Fine! Stupid monkeys. How the hell did _they_ get to rule the planet and all the inhabitants therein is beyond _me_…"

Garrett looked at Griever apologetically. When Cliff is in a vengeful mood, there's no stopping him…

o—o

"…"

"What did he say, Kiros?"

"He says that we should give all the grant money to the National Institute of Katar Research and Development."

"Oh. Okay."

_Aww, man! I wanted that money to go to the Harpoons Club of Esthar!_ thought Ward.

o—o

Done for now, and almost finished. Please review!


	13. Ellipses

Griever with a kitty litter… I wonder if I'm the first person to ever think of that? Oh, well. This _is _fanfiction.

Disclaimer: I don't own Griever, Biggs, Wedge, or anything FF8 related. I did not invent the kitty litter and will not be held responsible for chunks of sandy cat poo around the house.

o—o

_Chapter Thirteen: …_

Griever sat in a little corner in the apartment's modestly sized bathroom. This was humiliating! A guardian force, using a kitty litter! A GF as great as he, Griever, reduced to feline excretory facilities! An absolute outrage! If he ever finds out whoever made this stupid law about only humans being allowed to use toilets, he's going to bury him in a kitty litter! Damn the refreshing scent crystals! They mock him…

o—o

"Zell, I'm going to the training center to get ready to arrest those two idiots, alone. If Rinoa comes looking for me, distract her," said Squall.

"You can count on me!"

As Squall walked down the hall to the training center, he set his mind for the task ahead. If he finds those two… _When_ he finds those two idiots there is going to be trouble, lots and lots of trouble. As he stalked through the artificial jungle he felt the Grats avoiding him. They could sense his hostility. He'll have to seek out a T-Rexaur, then.

Meanwhile, outside Squall's dorm, Rinoa knocked.

"Squall? Squallie? Zell told me you were in there. Can I come in?"

"Whatever."

"That's not very nice, Squall. Come on, open up!"

"…"

"Squall!"

"Whatever."

"Grr! I hate it when you're like this!"

"Whatever."

"What is wrong with you, Squall! Are you mad at me or something? What's with you today!"

"…"

"Squall! You're hurting my feelings!"

"Whatever."

"You big meanie! I'm going to cry!"

"…"

"That's it! Flare!"

As the door melted explosively, Rinoa looked into Squall's room through the red haze of anger. There, on his bed was a tape recorder. "Whatever… … Whatever. Whetever… Whatever…"

"ZELL!"

o—o

_Stupid kitty litter._

o—o

"We're approaching Esthar now, Squall," said Nida.

"Good. All hail Xenu!"

"What?"

"What?"

"Um…nothing."

_Good,_ thought Squall, _Now we can settle this once and for all. If I don't kill them first, I'm going to make them work so hard that they cry for mercy! Mwahahahaha!_

o—o

_I am going to kill someone if I have to keep on using this stupid sand pit for a restroom._

o—o

"Sir, we're supposed to be hiding out, which means we shouldn't be shopping around for china."

"Yeah, yeah. Holy crap! That's a genuine mid-Centran ceramic urn! And it's only 5000 gil!"

"Why does it look like that?"

"It's genius! Those are faces! Each stylized face makes up a half of the next face to form a ring of faces. Do you know how _rare_ these are? Wow! It's a Marcatello!"

"If you ask me, sir, those mustaches look like ridiculous smudges of poo."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"It makes the faces look so angry, like a genocidal fascist dictator. I keep getting the feeling it should be called… Heisler?"

"…Look. It's a work of genius. I don't care what you say, 'cause it's-Ooh! Trabian chocolates!"

o—o

_Stupid… This _sucks!

o—o

"I brought the two of you along because you all want vengeance, except that Quistis was busy teaching today. Still, be on the lookout for the fugitives."

"Um, Squall. I don't really see why we need to take revenge on them. They seemed like pretty nice people," said Selphie, walking through the busy streets with her party.

"You kiddin' me? They put you in a wheelchair!" said Zell.

"That doesn't mean we have to blow them to smithereens, teehee!"

"We shall see about that. Keep looking. They could be anywhere."

The three SeeDs continued along the market street, looking for any signs of the escapees. Selphie took the chance to look around at the fascinating items on display. They'd never been to this part of Esthar before. Apparently it was a flea market of sorts.

"Ooh! Trabian chocolates!" shouted a voice.

"What? Where!" said Selphie. Then she spotted it. A stall full of the highest quality Trabian chocolates beckoned her with its delicious charm, it's beauty in red, gold, and brown and its scent seductive to the palate. She ran to it.

"Oh, truffles! And raspberry! And orange! And the famous Hundehaufen delights!" squeaked Selphie.

"They even have the Highlander green tea chocolate!" said the man next to her.

"Oh, I've never tried those before! Hey! You're-"

"Oh, crap!"

"Sir, what's going… oh."

"Guys! I found the-Mmf!"

"Shut up! You wanna get us killed? Ow!"

Cliff, er, Biggs let go of her and looked at the teeth marks on his hand.

"You mean _you're_ gonna get killed," said Selphie.

"Hey good job Selphie, you found them!" said Zell.

"Um, no she didn't! You've got the wrong people! We're just decent, average Estharians participating in the great tradition of a free market!" said Garrett, I mean Wedge desperately.

"I hereby arrest you in the name of Balamb Garden!" said Squall, approaching rapidly.

"Run, Wedge!"

"Blizzaga!"

A wall of solid ice shot out of the ground and blocked the way of the two men. The market-goers cleared a wide circle. They knew a show when they saw one.

"Where's Griever!" said Biggs.

"Still at the apartment, sir!"

"_Still_ on the kitty litter? We need him!"

"You had him pretty upset, sir."

"Resisting arrest is a serious offence, _gentlemen_," said Squall, walking towards them with menace unchecked.

"Hey, no hard feelings right?" said Biggs. He grinned nervously.

"None whatsoever… as soon as I kill the two of you."

Biggs and Wedge cowered in fear against the ice wall as Squall approached them, eyes burning with malice and a Flare spell in hand.

"This is it, Wedge. This time we're really gonna die!"

"Well don't use me as a _shield_!"

"Aaah, we're gonna die!"

As Squall prepared to release the spell a shadow passed overhead. Griever landed behind Squall.

"You! Fat man!" shouted Griever.

"I'm not fat!"

"I asked Ward and _he_ told me there _is_ no Racial Plumbing Amendment of 5608! You _lied_ to me! You made me use a goddam _kitty litter_!"

"You wasted my money!"

"I don't think this is a good time to argue, sir," said Wedge, still serving as a human shield for Biggs.

"Ah, Griever. Return to your rightful master and help me detain these two miscreants," said Squall.

"Excuse me? My rightful _master_? My _rightful_ master? _My_ rightful master? For the past few months I've been used for pony rides, weapons of mass destruction, immigrant smuggling vehicles, and I've been forced to eat fake wildebeest and use a kitty litter and you claim to be _my rightful master_? I don't think so!"

A small but concentrated tornado appeared, lifted Squall and Zell up and blew them away and out from the city and tossed them onto a balcony on Balamb Garden.

"You ungrateful cat!" shouted Squall as he was gone with the wind.

"I'll talk to _you_ when you get home," said Griever to Biggs and flew away.

Biggs took a look around himself. The spectators were staring at him, wondering what happens next.

"Uh… Well _that_ was the most specific tornado _I've_ ever seen, heheh… Um, does this mean you won't try to kill us?" said Biggs to Selphie.

"Hmmm… It's a deal!"

Biggs and Wedge sighed with relief.

"As long as you by me a bunch of chocolates!"

"What! You-"

"Of course, my lady," said Wedge. Considering what they just avoided, he was glad to spend any amount of money to make sure it doesn't almost happen again.

And so Selphie went home happily humming her favorite tune (the one about trains), arms loaded to the brim with highly expensive and fattening chocolate. And Biggs went home appalled, complaining that the amount of money he had had been reduced by half.

o—o

Sorry if Squall sounded a little bit out of character. He _was_ the semi-villain, after all. Also, "Hundehaufen" means, er, dog poo. I just had to get a little tasteless joke in here somewhere, sorry. Also, if you want to see a picture of the urn Biggs was talking about, e-mail me and I'll send it to you. Idrew the urn in Sunday school and decided that it is my greatest invention ever. Please review!


End file.
